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Friday, August 06, 2004
Some amazing intelligence

Have you been reading the most exciting piece of intelligence news to burst upon the scene since a tabloid journalist attempted to predict the next eviction from the Big Brother household? (He failed). I refer, of course, to Operation Sealion. Thank goodness our brave, transatlantic colleagues have caught on to it so quickly, despite their clear need to be involved in the campaign to re-elect the US Hebrew Gog (anag.).

In case you’re not completely au fait with the story, here it is in essence: there’s this rather nasty little former Austrian corporal by the name of Adolf Hitler who seems to have the need to widen his adoptive country’s boundaries. (No relation to those two contractionist states: the USA and Israel). He marches his armies into other countries and adds them to his empire, his ‘Thousand Year Reich’, as he calls it. Discovering this represents an amazing intelligence coup. It means that we must be doubly aware of the insidious plots around us.

Operation Sealion is the most worrying threat of all. In case you haven’t caught up with the details, it’s Hitler’s plan to invade the UK. Breathe a big sigh of relief that we found out – we might blithely have gone about our everyday lives and soon been caught out by lack of vigilance.

Cynics have suggested that this ‘intelligence’ is over sixty years old but it doesn't affect its veracity; we still need to be worried. Especially in the USA. I mean, once the UK comes under the heel of a Fascist government, can the US be far behind? Bear in mind that Hitler came to power by manipulating democracy. And with the US’s attention sidetracked by the forthcoming election, a Fascist leader could infiltrate by raising the spectre of a serious threat, albeit not 100% current.

Er, I’m not quite sure where this is going... so:

Telling all

I see that the erstwhile lady friend of Sven and Mark will be telling all with the able assistance of Max Clifford. May I, through your good offices, Myfanwy, draw Max’s attention to the many kiss-and-tell stories I have to offer the public?

I refer, of course, to my dalliances with Jeanne Kirkpatrick (the former US ambassador to the UN who seemed delighted that Argentina had invaded the Falklands), and April Glaspie, the former US ambassador to Iraq who gave Saddam Hussein virtually carte blanche to invade Iraq*. Then there’s the delectable Teresa Gorman and, the pick of the bunch: Miss Piggie. I’ll bet they were more exciting in the sack than Faria Alam. Still, I’m sure that’s not the point, eh?

* Glaspie to Saddam:
But we have no opinion on the Arab-Arab conflicts, like your border disagreement with Kuwait.

I was in the American Embassy in Kuwait during the late 60s. The instruction we had during this period was that we should express no opinion on this issue and that the issue is not associated with America. James Baker has directed our official spokesmen to emphasize this instruction. We hope you can solve this problem using any suitable methods via Klibi or via President Mubarak. All that we hope is that these issues are solved quickly.
That’s from the international edition of the New York Times and it’s quite enough pillow talk for the moment.

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