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Drabness is a state of mind
A. Pedant

 
Another Australian loss

A few days ago, I was musing on the task I would have ahead of me in restoring the Aussie’s damaged morale after their crushing 20-17 defeat in the Rugby Union World Cup final. However, it appears that they will have even more trouble adjusting to their newfound status as underdogs. Never mind their having won the Davis Cup – there’s another vital national statistic with which they will quickly have to come to terms.

Several years ago, Australians were at the head of the per-head alcohol consumption in the entire known World. That is a statistics of which they could be justly proud: did you ever see an Aussie of any note claiming to be a teetotaller? Did you ever see a genuine Aussie without a stubbie to hand? And did you realise that Fosters only created an export market because they’d reached ‘saturation’ at home? No, I thought not.

Shortly after my arrival down-under, I came across a morose Aussie who gloomily told me that the drinking championship was no longer theirs. According to a TV channel, the Aussies were now ‘nowhere’; the Luxembourgeoisie led the pack, closely followed by the Czech Republic and the Irish. Now, we all know that the Czech Republic is famous for its beers (proper Budweiser, for example) and Liffy Water, although something of an acquired taste, is closely identified with the Irish as a nation, Dubliners in particular. What on earth, though, do the good burghers of Luxembourg wean their infants on to achieve their exalted level of adult performance?

It appears that I shall be able to help the Aussies in two respects: while sympathising with them at their rugby loss over numerous glasses of the amber nectar, I shall simultaneously be assisting their restoration to their rightful position at the head of the table (or even underneath it) of the World’s drinkers.

posted by josh at 12:20 am