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Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Security problems

According to a report this morning,
An undercover reporter who worked as a footman at Buckingham palace for two months claimed today that he could have assassinated President Bush as he arrived last night.
This lapse raises several important questions. Dispensing with the trivial and irreverent ('Well why didn't he?'), we find ourselves embarrassed that once again British security has proved itself the soggy biscuit among the digestives.

Personally, I find it endearing that we're not up to forestalling potential assassination attempts. It says something about our relatively non-violent society that, even when security is breached, nothing happens. If we pass over the matter of the dingbat (not proven), we have to go back to Spencer Perceval (1812) for a successful attempt. And what about the US's record in this respect? JFK (1963) and Ronald Reagan (1981, but unsuccessful) spring to mind.

Why are we so pisspoor at defending against obvious threats? You know: disturbed people (not Margaret Hodge) in the Queen's bedroom; 'comedians' at Royle (sic) birthday parties, and wagon-loads of gunpowder in our Houses of Parliament Fortunately none of these failures had a tragic outcome and they are more amusing than terrifying. We now need to look seriously at what could be done about national security in future. Jonny Wilkinson is currently better protected than the flash-mob over here - perhaps we could ask Clive Woodward to sort it out.

There is another, more realistic option, though. The US Hebrew Gog (anag.) has brought so many people (700) with him to look after his personal needs, including security, that we might well subcontract the task of looking after the Royles to the USA, immediately. Indeed, the Americans are so attached to the Windsors that they could take them away permanently. They'd be better defended and even more appreciated in the Land of the Free. George Bush would be able to get his Royle photo-ops almost at will. And just think: no more Royle scandals, spats, gossip, brown-tonguing, hangers-on, civil list... What a prospect!

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