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Friday, November 14, 2003
More on birds’ anatomy

Further to my postings on 27th and 29th October, I am compelled to return to discussion of Jane Campion’s film ‘In the Cut’. To recap,
In it, a mustachioed and criminally attractive Mark Ruffalo takes Ryan to bed, plants her on her stomach, spreads her legs, and performs oral sex on her from behind, in a scene that lasts a breathtaking two minutes.
Here’s the link. Having thought about the ergonomics and anatomy of this activity, I find myself agreeing with the more critical revues. ‘In the Cut’ is a feminist film and there’s nothing wrong with that but it is too aggressively so. It is spoilt by this moment of self-indulgence as is Tarantino’s ‘Pulp Fiction’ by the episode of Marsellus’s woman.

Campion’s inclusion of ‘the breathtaking two minutes’ of self-indulgence must have been humiliating for Mark Ruffalo and thus implicitly it is for men generally, too. This activity ought to be termed ‘literal brown-nosing’ and, in the interests of accuracy, I have written to Private Eye about the importance of the distinction between literal and metaphorical brown-nosing – we need more precision here. Campion’s depiction makes it necessary to re-designate O.B.N. (Order of the Brown Nose) - used as a synonym for arse-licking - as O.B.T. (Order of the Brown Tongue), instead. This would leave us with ‘brown-nosing ‘, more accurately, as the term for putting one’s nose up a bird’s bum in Campion’s sense. Thus, English acquires greater meaning and accuracy in two important areas of activity: slagging and shagging.

While on these fascinating subjects, I was once told that, of the many terms applied to the fanny (NB UK etymology), one of the most romantic is ‘the now’. Hence, the evocative song: ‘I wonder who’s kissing her now’. (That’s enough smut, now - Ed.)

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