The State of the Onion
This draft of a George W. Bush speech came into my possession a while ago. It has taken me some time to render it comprehensible.
My fellow Armericans, as I speak to you today, your country faces great difficulties.
The World is a cruel place, becoming unsafe for SUVs, oil barons, creationists and coke-drinkers. The so-called United Nations has demonstrated its total lack of unanimity by refusing to agree with me. My secret weapon-ambassador Colin Poleaxed was given a drubbing by Dr Zit and Dominique (obviously a faggot) Veal-Pin, recently.
Even one of our allies (not Micronesia, the other one) has been subtly treacherous. I refer, of course, to Prime Minister Judas Blair. Here is a report on what he did, recently
The prime minister, Tony Blair, today told the Labour party's spring conference that weapons inspectors will get more time to establish whether Iraq has complied with UN demands to disarm. In the Daily Turncoat*, my flaky ally goes on:
I continue to want to solve the issue of Iraq and weapons of mass destruction through the UN. Dr Blix [I think he means "Zit"] reported to the UN yesterday and there will be more time given to inspectionsI have been totally betrayed by this smooth-talking limey. He promised me that if I brought the Iraq business to the United Nations, the World would see me as a reincarnation of Winston Churchill, without that man's poor pronunciation and vocabulary. The UN would let us try out our new weapons of mass destruction... er... bombs. The man's deceitful. My intelligence agents have discovered that even his field hockey captain is related to Saddam Hussein and a dead Egyptian president. But it's all gone wrong: no-one except Micronesia, Signora Mussolini Berlusconi and Senorita Franco Aznar's lot are on our side, now. That treacherous Blair lied to me - me, the honestest President since George Washington.
Everyone knows that the first casualty of truth is war, and it's my war that's going to be the casualty.
There is a way out, people of the NRA - we must just get on with the war on this evil, deranged, criminal, obsessional, demagogue alone. Otherwise, how will we know if our new bombs work? Target #1: Chequers.
(There are one or two things that indicate that this draft might be a spoof but one can never be sure. Take "The Donald Rumsfeld Soundbite of the Week" on BBC Broadcasting House
every Sunday on Radio 4, for example. Surely that’s not real...)
* The Observer
24 February 2003.