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Monday, February 10, 2003
Michael Douglas and Catharine Zeta Jones etc.

This glamorous couple are, I understand, involved in a legal argument about photos taken by a gatecrasher at their wedding. These unofficial photos were sold by a paparazzo to Hello magazine. The official photos were sold by the happy couple to OK magazine.

I do not want to give my judgement on the rights and wrongs of the case. However, I wish to hand out sentences to the people involved.
To the happy couple: I find that their conduct puts them in breach of my Official Secrets Act. I therefore make it punishable by death for them ever to appear in public, in a film or in any public medium for a period of twenty years.

To the publishers of Hello and OK: I regard them as having breached my Official Secrets Act, too: The publications are closed down forthwith and all copies, past present and future are to be pulped. Contravention carries the death penalty.

Readers, subscribers and contributors to both magazines, paparazzi included: for their complicity in these heinous crimes, these people are sentenced to watch five years of reality television, interspersed with Beckett and Pinter plays and art films such as Bunuel's Un Chien Andalou. For reading matter, they will be given the collective works of such giants as Proust and Schopenauer. This sentence carries no possibility of reduction nor of parole. On release, if these people are not completely cured, they should be given brain transplants.
And any volunteers to assassinate the journalists/editors responsible for and the readers of The Sun (last Saturday's front-page headline: [something like] "Phil to leave Eastenders") would surely gain the undying gratitude of people with proper brains.

[More details of my Official Secrets Act can be found in my post of 29 August, if Blogger will let you - Josh]

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