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Saturday, August 24, 2002
Making it while rolling in it

Millionaire property tycoon Nicholas van Hoogstraten was recently convicted of complicity in the death of a former business associate.(For more details, click here)

There are two interesting matters relating to Mr Hoogstraten’s notoriety. Firstly, he was constructing a very large, private house near Uckfield. Apparently, it is the largest private dwelling to be constructed in Britain since before the beginning of the 20th century. Bill Gates eat your heart out. The building is called Hamilton Palace. (Now there’s a name to conjure with...). The second was his ability to frustrate the planning laws with apparent impunity. Why he did not finish in jug much earlier beats me.

Since Mr Hoogstraten will have no need of other accommodation while he is a guest of her Britannic Majesty, it occurred to me that it might be appropriate to add Hamilton Palace to our property portfolio. During our visit to Sussex, The Lady and I thought about it very carefully but we regretfully decided against the place, principally because it did not provide sufficient servants’ accommodation. That which was provided was far too luxurious for our retinue.

While our servants - a curmudgeonly bunch - look after us well enough, we believe it is important to demonstrate to them, periodically, that their need of us is greater than ours of them.

Take ironing, for example. I was reminded of this by a piece of non-virtual spam I received through the door, recently. ‘Let us solve your ironing problem’, it proclaimed. Ironing - a problem? Not for me, it ain’t. When the servants are on strike, this is my method.
1. Spin all washing to get as much water out as possible.
2. Put it straight in the tumble drier.
3. Take the items out while still hot.
4. Hang carefully on hangers while still hot.
5. This should give a neat appearance to most items.
6. If this method fails, throw the item away.
Problem? What problem?

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